No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize