you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
