if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
