I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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