i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
