Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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