Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Randomize
