The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
