your parents love me but you hate me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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