weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
