My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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