Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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