I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
