I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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