I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
