"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
