dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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