Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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