Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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