There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
