If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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