I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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