No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
