I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize