I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
