I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
