you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize