Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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