My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
