Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Randomize
