just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
