Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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