ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
