Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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