Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
