It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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