You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
