did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize