I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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