I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
