You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
