Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
