who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
