all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
As shirtless as possible
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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