just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize