i jhust puked up my retainher.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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