I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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