The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
