Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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