so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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