Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize