you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
