Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize