I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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