4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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