I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
