2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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