We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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