Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This house was built for laser tag.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
