I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
