drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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